December 1, 2016 – Depression
I walk into the kitchen. I stand there for a few moments, wondering why I came in there. I glance at the sewing area and think “I really need to work on that pile of mending”. Then I turn and look at my plant table and think “they probably need trimming and watering.” As I turn to walkout, I see the dishes soaking in the sink, walk pass them telling myself “I’ll do them in a few minutes”. I walk back into the office, sit down at my computer and remember that I went in there to look for my glasses.
Later on I do the dishes and put a load of clothes in the washer, not because I want to, but because it needs to be done. Then I force myself to go make the bed, straighten up the living, room and sweep the floors. I wander around between the office and the other rooms, doing needed chores, sometimes wishing I didn’t have to.
I used to love keeping the house clean, trying to make it look nice. I was always pleased when someone came over and would mention how nice it looked and smelled, but lately, I just wander around and do what’s necessary. I find no satisfaction in it other than the fact that I refuse to live in a dirty house.
Sometimes I look around at stuff I collected for projects, like fixing new curtains for the bedroom and living room or working on some craft ideas I had, then I just let out a long sigh, walk back into the office or go into the kitchen for another cup of coffee.
It’s the nature of the beast; Depression. And, why wouldn’t I be depressed? I just lost my son, my only son in March and haven’t worked out my grief over him when my older sister gets sick and passes away in November. Add to that different afflictions and illnesses that are popping up causing more doctor appointments, new medications, ER visits and such.
As I write this, I realize this is a type of therapy. Seeing it on paper, writing it out and typing it up later seems to help lift the shadow of grief and despair that often engulfs me. As I am writing this I am reminded that my God is bigger than all my grief, all my depression, all my illness and that still, quiet voice tells me it’s time once more to start counting all of my blessings for they greatly outnumber all the bad things in my life.
Today I am thankful that “My God” is still greater than any sorrow, depression or illness that I have, that he is the mender of my heart and lifter of my soul.
December 2, 2016 – Insanity
When I think back to how simple life used to be, I often wish that I could travel back in time, to a time without computers and cell phones, a time when TV night was a special treat because something special was on.
I think about the sunny, quiet days just exploring the three cemeteries that surrounded our house in Pueblo or going for a horse back ride at the last foster home, or just walking through town with my nose stuck in a book. It seems like everything was so much more peaceful back then. You didn’t hear about the atrocities of a war like the one ISIS is waging against innocent people, you didn’t hear about new diseases on the rise causing epidemics or pandemics.
There weren’t any news stories about people rioting over a criminal being shot down by police or because they don’t like the new president elect. As the world seems to escalate in violence, as technology advances in leaps and bounds, so does illness, disease, destruction and man’s inhumanity to his fellow man. There are more addictive substances, more peer pressure, more pressure to acquire material wealth and more inventions and conveniences that are supposed to make life easier, but in fact make us lazier, less caring, less observant and less concerned about our spiritual, mental, and physical health.
Life today just seems insane. People are rushing everywhere, to work, to events, to doctors, shopping, paying bills, checking on loved ones, after school activities, parties and concerts and so on. There doesn’t seem to be many peaceful moments in a day. People are becoming rude and inconsiderate in their rush to get their daily needs met, pushing people out of their way or bumping into them in stores, cutting in front of people, or speeding around them, sometimes causing incidents of road rage or accidents. So many people just seem angry all the time.
Add to that all the drama at home or with relatives, for example, relatives and non-relatives are still fighting over my son’s remains, and he passed away in March. My sisters sons are fighting over what little bit of property she owned “her car” and a few pictures and knickknacks. Relatives are making threats of legal action, calling names and cutting off contact because they can’t have everything their way.
Today I am thankful for the quiet days when insanity decides to pass me by.
December 3, 2016 – Fatigue
Do you ever have those days when you are so bone tired that you can’t sleep? You’ve done so much during the day that your body aches, your head hurts, you can barely shuffle along, yet when you lay down to rest, sleep won’t come. You get back up and try to do a few things around the house but you are too tired to do anything except sit in the office or the living room.
That’s the way the first week and a half of the month is like. It seems that we just run and run and can’t get a break. Bills have to be paid, birthday cards sent out, grocery shopping to be done, doctors appointments to be kept, infusion appointments, checking on loved ones, and it all needs to be done withing a certain time.
Then there is the laundry to be kept up, the household chores to keep up on and the smaller chores that just can’t be left until the next day. There just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done. Where did my energy go?
I used to get up at five am every day, seven days a week. Five of those days I managed to work, shop, cook, clean house and still make it to Wednesday night bible study, and work until eleven at night. Saturday was laundry day and major house cleaning and Sunday was church, what was supposed to be a day of rest, but I kept the grand boys over on Saturday night so I had them for most of the Day on Sunday. I would get tired, but not like I do now, since I have become disabled and older.
The one thing I know for certain, no matter how fatigued I get, God always gives me the time and energy to get accomplished what needs to be done, and I know when the first week of the month is passed, there will be a break from all of this fatigue. Today I am thankful for the break from the fatigue and the moments and hours of peace he provides.