I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD years ago. While they tried every antidepressant they could, they never actually helped with the depression, they just numbed me. I walked around like a zombie, not feeling much of anything. I didn’t feel joy, love, hate, or any of those emotions. I guess the best way to describe it is that I felt indifferent to everything around me. I had no opinions, I had no goals, I had not ambition to do anything.
Taking these drugs I was drowsy all the time. I fell asleep on the bus on the way to work, I fell asleep in front of the television, I even fell asleep in church, all the time, not because the sermon was dull, but because this is what those medicines do to you. My metabolism slowed down, I craved sweets, I didn’t eat right and I gained weight. These medications encouraged me to let my health go.
We are human and being that we often try to do everything by ourselves before we ask God for help. I thought I had my depression under control and that’s when Satan started shooting more arrows at me. I lost my job, I became disabled, then my step father passed away. Two years ago my only child died, seven months later my sister passed away. I finally realized recently that I was more depressed over these events than I led others to believe, more depressed than I thought I was.
I would get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee, and if we didn’t have to go to the hospital for infusion, I would sit in front of the computer, scrolling through the news, scrolling through Social Media, maybe writing an article once in awhile. Before I realized the hours had passed and it was time for the main meal of the day.
I would make myself do the normal chores like making the beds, picking up clutter around the house, doing the laundry and doing the dishes. But that was where it all ended. I had no desire to do any of the things I used to like to do, like organizing everything, crocheting, sewing, container gardening and “writing”. I would sometimes lay down 4 hours after I got up, or after lunch and would sleep for 2-4 hours.
I tried exercising, the ones that I can do without stressing the conditions that I have. That would last for a day or two and then it might be a week or more before I would even try again. I tried eating healthier meals and again that would last for a day or two and then it would be go grab a piece of lunch-meat and cheese or a danish and that would be my main course.
In the evening I would scroll through social media, trying to focus on other peoples problems and pray for them, assuming that getting outside my own concerns and worrying more about others would help me and sometimes it did. Then I would play games until I was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I didn’t even play them to win or get to the next level. I just sat there moving objects around until I ran out of lives and then I would go to the next game.
I noticed a change in my attitude. Even though I wouldn’t voice out loud what I was feeling because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I still felt agitated at certain points. Something as simple as someone taking up too many minutes talking to us in Walmart parking lot would start to irritate me. I found myself becoming argumentative with others, something that I didn’t used to do.
I had a very long talk with God last night. I told how ashamed I felt of the way I have been acting for many months now. I asked him to forgive me for becoming lethargic, lazy, lukewarm. I told him I needed his strength, I needed to know he was still there for me, he still loved me and I definitely needed his guidance. The person I was becoming wasn’t me, wasn’t the person I desired to be. I told him I needed him to help me fight back.
It is so easy to fall into the traps that Satan sets for us. He uses one unpleasant incident or a string of incidents to encourage us to fall away from what and who we are supposed to be. God has a plan for everyone, no matter how young, how old, or decrepit or how physically strong we might be. He doesn’t always tell us what that plan is but the only way we can complete what he wants done is to cling to him, have faith in him, recognize the snares that are put in our way and cling to that joy, that redemption, that love and that eternal life that he alone can give us.
But through the grace of God, through his love, through having a relationship with him I have decided that “I AM FIGHTING BACK”.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.
Deuteronomy 31:8 “… It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”